Being sleep deprived isn't just about feeling really tired, somehow your body kind of just adjusts to that, but compensates by giving you the worst baby brain ever! I am forever forgetful. I forget who I've spoke with, where I’ve put things and just general stupidness! it's like pregnancy Brain but, a whole new level ! I always thought pregnancy brain wasn’t real and was just an excuse but oh my word, definitely not ! My brain feels like a constant fog! To be honest Emelia doesn’t even sleep that badly so I can’t say its completely that, But the combination of hormones less sleep and just being a mum definitely doesn’t help. People always say about the changes your life goes through once you’ve had a baby, and yes don’t get me wrong priority’s have definitely shifted, but my life defiantly isn’t over or even changed that much. Emelia has fitted into our family and lives so perfectly. Just like a jigsaw piece that was always missing , and she really couldn’t have come at a better time.
Yes the superficial things have changed. Like my horrendous pregnancy/baby brain and not being able to shower without having Emelia in the same room. Or breastfeeding whilst trying to eat and constantly drinking cold tea, but honestly, none of that matters, you do just get used to it ! When I found out I was expecting Emelia, it was 3 months after my mum passed away from cancer and a week after my close friend lauren was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. Those first few months were just a haze of horrendous morning sickness, Fainting and sleep. I had managed to return to work after a week after my mums death and my amazing colleagues and friends including Lauren helped support me through what I never expected to be such a difficult time. Lauren’s death (I hate that word so much, its so so brutal and harsh) Came completely out of nowhere it never should have happened, and was a complete shock to everyone. Those first months of sickness were overwhelming and I felt lost in myself. I had convinced myself that I was going to miscarry the baby as I had miscarried 3 years prior and the stress I was under could not be good for a growing baby. I think all of this elevated my pregnancy symptoms and that was why I felt like I couldn’t even move for the first couple of months.
At our 12 week scan I’d convinced myself that there wouldn’t be anything to see, or something wouldn’t be right. I didn’t look at the screen as the sonographer placed the scanner on my stomach. But when I did, there she was wriggling all over the place. I cried and knew things were going to be okay. I was very anxious due to the things that had happened, but being pregnant through grieving my mum and my friend although was very tough, was in a way beautiful knowing this little gift had been given to bring me strength.
So for me life has changed in the sense of I do feel a stronger person, and becoming a mum has grounded me at what felt like a very lost time. I feel really renewed since having Emelia, and its felt a lot easier looking and moving forward. That's not saying that I don't have hard days because I’m always thinking of my mum and also Lauren, however Emelia is my therapy in so many ways. I am so happy with how my life has changed.
I hope you enjoyed reading. Not quite the direction I expected this blog post to go, however I have written exactly what, and how I feel.