Being a mum without a mum
Its hard to know wether to write about something so close to your heart when doing a blog, but i've decided there are many reasons why I should and why I want to. I always aspired to be a mum like my mum. She was always so loving and tentative just like a mum should be. I have countless memories of things she use to do with me and my sister, from day trips out to the beach or simply reading Harry Potter to me beacause I was too scared to read it myself! (major wimp as a child and I was quite young!) She always would say how being a mum was her favourite thing and how she couldn't wait to be a grandmother.
In 2010 When mum first got diagnosed, I was 18 at the time and because she was so early in her diagnosis I didn't really think of the prospect of mum not being there to see me and my sister have children or get married. When your parents get ill, I suppose you lose your sense of security, especially when they've always been the ones to look after you. I guess in a way you take for granted that they are always there because you have no other reason to feel differently.
In November 2013 me and reggie found out we were expecting our first baby. I felt a whole mix of emotions but was happy and once I'd spoke to my mum I could see how excited and happy she was. She always said when she was poorly about not being around to see grandchildren so for all of us it was a renewed sense of looking forward, and a bit of happiness at a very scary time. She was never negative though and only spoke positively through her time of being ill. It was so uplifting to see mum so happy again she had that spark back. We spoke of the names me and reggie liked (one was Amelia ) and how I could spend my days when on maternity with my mum and the baby. When I miscarried as well as being distraught I felt guilt for not being able to give my mum a grandchild at that time. My hormones were all over the place and it was such a difficult time. I know it wasn’t my fault and as everyone says its very common ect but until you’ve been through one you dont quite realise how its going to make you feel. And you shouldn’t ever feel guilty for the emotions you feel. Its called being human. Through those next 2 years I battled immense guilt and patches of depression whilst my mum dipped in and out of being poorly. Whenever other people had there babies around mum they would joke and say when was I going to make my mum a nanny. (obviously not knowing that I had miscarried or how desperately I wanted too) I would just laugh and shrug it off but was still so upset with not being a mum and my mum knew it. This is why I always say aswell as my rainbow Emelia is my little gift obviously not all down to my mum lol but its unbelievable how things work out and how I fell pregnant just 3 months after she passed away.
I’m lucky in the sense as I have 100’s of pictures of my mum that I can show Emelia, and other children and she also made blankets and hats and booties that I’m terrified to take outside in case they get lost! She even brought me a “congratulations its a girl” card to put in my memory box. (like how did she know!)
I always talk to Emelia about her nanny and how she’s always watching her. It hurts how much I wish my mum could see her and be apart of her life. And there isn’t a day go by that I dont think about her. Its funny, as a mum you always look to your own mum for advice on things and almost want your child to be brought up with the same values and that one person you would always turn to for that advice is your mum. I’m so lucky that Reggies family are very supportive and my Auntie who is my Mums twin sister and very similar in her ways, is always on hand which helps immensely. She helped when I was in labour had mastitis and has advised me so much through breastfeeding. Having her around me and Emelia is invaluable and so comforting.
It definitely makes you a lot more aware of what people are going through around you, and the grief they may be going through, and how you could just pass someone in the street thats going through a really tough time. And of course all the other people who have lost special people from there lives and face getting married and having a family without them in it. Life is so so very delicate and precious beyond belief.
When we found it we were having a girl the name Amelia was right at the top of our list . We wanted something for my mum but still for our little girl to have a name of her own. So you may have noticed that we changed Amelia to Emelia as its nearly all the letters of Melanie and Grace because my mum loved that name so much. I love that she has a story to go with her name and that it means so much too.
So I didn’t know quite how that would go. To be honest I felt quite emotional writing it, and its in no way to make any one feel sorry for me or anything. I always wanted my blog to be to the point and honest I’m just being truthful, its real and just how I feel.
Although I have lost so much, so have other people and more so. Grief is immeasurable and different for everybody and although at times I am very upset still, I am so unbelievably grateful for what I do have. I am so lucky and blessed to have my family, my friends, my sister, Reggie and my daughter and I tell myself that every day.